[167] You’re Only King Once

“It’s so hard not to be crushed when you’re praying for too much / And the stars refuse to shine for you / They do it just to spite / They know you’re trying too hard.”

Beulah – “You’re Only King Once”

I’m supposed to be up for class in 3 hours. At this point, I’m probably not going.

On top of the fact that I worked the overnight inventory shift tonight (despite getting home earlier than I expected), I just simply can’t sleep. Not with all of this weighing on my mind.

It’s really an incredibly stupid thing. This is the kind of bullshit that high schoolers go through. Unrequited love. That whole “oh, why can’t she feel the same way” shebang that I remember having to go through at fucking 16.

But at the same time, it’s so much more than that. Whereas with those situations that I went through as a teenager, things never went past the “I like her but I already know she doesn’t feel the same way, so I’m just not going to do anything about it” stage, this was actually something. It was something real. It was something meaningful. This feeling is different. I never had it before. This time, I had it. And for a great deal of the time, it made me feel amazing. It made me feel all these things that I never felt before. It changed me, both for better, and for worse. Especially when I lost it.

As much of an asshole as I put myself off to be most of the time, on the same page, with issues like love, I’m one of the most naive people you’ll ever meet. It had to be something real to her too. It had to be something meaningful to her too. I mean, maybe it’s just me, but I can’t possibly comprehend her willing to spend all that time with me and willing to get to know me that much and willing to let me get to know her that much, and telling me all about her life and her feelings and her aspirations and dreams… I can’t comprehend her doing ANY of that without her feeling something meaningful there.

It doesn’t mean that she couldn’t have done all of those things and not feel a single thing at all. I’m just saying, as someone who, I guess by definition, is a hopeless romantic (emphasis on hopeless), it’s beyond my comprehension to do all of those things without some kind of feeling involved. I just can’t understand it. Simple as that.

The scary thing is that there’s a possibility that this could be it. There’s a possibility that’s as good as it’ll ever get. It certainly was better than anything I’ve had in my 22 years on this planet.

You’re only king once.

[166] Team CoCo shall prevail! …probably not.

Congratulations, NBC, you’ve officially taken away the one single reason why I even bother to tune in to your shitshow of a network.

Jay Leno’s back on “The Tonight Show”. Conan is out. Supposedly, his last show is going to be on January 22nd, 11 months after he ended “Late Night” here in New York to do the 11:35 show… something I’m sure he didn’t plan on doing for only seven months. Ever since I was 13, I’ve always been a gigantic Conan fan, and it definitely shows in my sense of humor in general (although I’m far more of an asshole than Conan could probably ever be). I’ve seen four live tapings of “Late Night”. Conan was, and still is, the man and to see him getting dicked around by NBC is completely and totally unfair. Jay Leno is the furthest thing from funny you can possibly imagine without incorporating Carlos Mencia or Dane Cook in the mix.

Conan, I know how it is to have high hopes and be built up, only to be crushed and shattered in the end, all too well. Granted, my defeats didn’t involve hosting arguably the most well-known television franchise in history, but I’ve definitely been defeated enough to know that nothing is guaranteed forever, and nothing is guaranteed to work out the way you’d like it to. Conan, you’ve got my 110% sympathy.

I have a feeling this second incarnation of “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” is going to fail. The entire internet community is behind Conan O’Brien. To have Conan pushed out just so Leno can do his oh-so-beloved 11:35 show again is going to make Leno look like the bad guy. If Letterman (another person who rightfully deserved “The Tonight Show”) can hold on to the audience he has now, he should have no problem retaining first place (granted, a lot of these people were ex-Leno fans, but hopefully they’ve grown comfortable with Dave in the past seven months). I guess if there’s any positives to come from this, it’s that now I won’t have to choose between watching Letterman and watching Conan anymore.

Anyways. A little update on my New Years’ Resolutions:

1) Get my (future) shit together: Still working on that, but it’s off to a great start. Later tonight, my band and I (Robots In The Skies) are rehearsing together for the first time since June. Really, really pumped.

2) Physical activity = YAY: Been working out way more. Go me. FUCK YEAH.

3) STOP FUCKING FALLING ASLEEP WITH MY CONTACTS ON: Did this just last night. Sigh.

4) THE MOVEMENT: Disregard Females, Acquire Currency: Off to a great start.

Also, I quit smoking. Yay.

Alright then.

[165] Epic epicness awaits!

Oh, the new year.

A time for reflecting on everything that’s happened in the past year, whether it be good or bad.

A time for pledging to make a better person of ourselves in the year to come.

A time for mapping out the road to true success and happiness, and making all of our wishes, hopes, and dreams just that much closer within our grasp.

In other words, a time for FUCKING DELUDING OURSELVES.

Really, every single year, we all go through this bullshit. We say, “hey, I’m going to go to the gym!” We say, “hey, I’m going to quit smoking!”. We say, “hey, I’m going to delete all the bestiality from my computer, quit my job at the zoo, and maybe go out and get myself a girlfriend!”. But it rarely happens. You’re still going to be a fat fuck. You’re still going to smoke whenever the moment calls for it. You’re still going to still be doing the vilest things imaginable after hours in the penguin pit.

We still make these resolutions anyway. And why not? Worst that can happen is that we don’t follow through with them. Best that can happen is that we do. So here are a couple of mine, in no particular order, because in my post-New Years’ party state (in other words, hungover as hell), giving them an order takes too much thought.

1) Get my (future) shit together.

I’m graduating this summer, and I don’t think I’m as scared of it as I should be. I think it’s because I just finished, by far, the worst semester of my college career. It really left a bad taste in my mouth, and I just want to finish school already. But the fact of the matter is that I’m going to have to get my stuff together, and fast. After graduation, all I’m going to have in the short term is my little retail job that doesn’t pay a goddamn thing and is slowly becoming harder and harder to put up with. Getting into the journalism business is going to be incredibly tricky and ridiculously difficult, but there’s no way in hell that I’m going to go down without even trying. Clearly, I love writing (when it’s something that I actually want to do, that is, and none of that stupid, super dark, deep, and introspective bullshit that EVERYONE in my Fiction 1 class last semester always wrote… no wonder I got a C+ in that class, because I DIDN’T WANT TO WRITE THAT KIND OF BULLSHIT), so this is exactly the kind of thing I’d love to do. Maybe being an online blog writer for a newspaper? I don’t know. Figuring out is going to take a while, but I’m down for it.

2) Physical activity = YAY

I haven’t really exercised on a regular basis since around September. Maybe, possibly, I should get back on that. Just sayin’.

3) STOP FUCKING FALLING ASLEEP WITH MY CONTACTS ON

Not really a resolution, just that my eyes are REALLY dry at the moment. ARGHHHHHHHHGHLISHFKWFWHFKJWFHJKWFH… anyways.

4) This WILL be the official motto of 2010. I guarantee it.

If I adopted this philosophy in 2009, I could have avoided so much bullshit (and maybe I could have acquired more currency? Who knows)… but better late than never. Or maybe not. I’m too much of a sucker to truly disregard someone (or, at least, this particular person. Maybe it’s me? Or her?). But for the time being, if I don’t feel that something is truly right, this will be THE motto to go by.

And of course, I should stop smoking for good, eat healthier, blah blah blah. I’ll get on that.

By the way, for the love of God, don’t hold me up to any of this.

Happy New Year, guys! It’s going to be a good one!

[164] He’s unresponsive cuz you’re irresponsible

Title’s from a line in Death Cab For Cutie’s song “Amputations”. Ben Gibbard, as you have so many times before, you’ve hit the nail right on the fucking head.

It’s funny how some people are so hell-bent on blindly doing what only works for them, and not calculating other people into the equation. But I suppose that’s just how their selfish brains operate. It’s totally fine though, because people like that tend to just burn bridges left and right no matter if they do it with someone they’re romantically involved with or just friends. This person has a tendency to do it with both types of people. It’s happened before, it’s happening now (and I’m not the only person whose bridge she’s burning either so that’s quasi-comforting), and it’ll continue to happen. So what are they going to be left with?

That’s right. Abso-fucking-lutely nothing. Hey, I tried not to be salty, I really did, but if she’s going to go and attempt to pull some shit like this? Fuck THAT. In fact, I’m not even going to be salty about it. There’s no real bitterness here. I think I’ve reached the point where I just flat out stop caring. Which is so much better than being angry at a person (and worse for them. Much worse).

So bon voyage, and so long, asshole! Enjoy your little trip. You’re not wanted here.

———————————

In happier news, fuckin’ Chris fuckin’ Slaight has a blog! FUCKIN’ NICE!

With this, we form the Douche Coalition. Heh heh.

[163] The less you shave, the more we roast

Brian
AIM
2:49
i was thinking of some roasts
2:49
for that girl you say has a beard
2:51
“Ol’ Neil O’Donnell guiding the Pittsburgh Steelers to Super Bowl XXX beard-having ass bitch”

http://www3.jsonline.com/packer/arc/0124/image/neil.jpg

Isaac Lopez
AIM
2:53
LOL you are something else
2:54
“Ol’ Richard Karn ‘WHO WANTS TO PLAY FAMILY FEUD OH WAIT I DONT THINK SO TIM’ beard-having ass bitch” imo

Brian
AIM
2:54
^^^^^^^^ well-played
2:54
Ol’ Bob Vila getting knocked over by a 2×4 from Tim Taylor on Tool Time beard having ass-bitch

Isaac Lopez
AIM
2:56
Ol’ Brawny Lumberjack “MORE ABSORBENT THAN THE LEADING PAPER TOWEL” beard having ass bitch

Brian
AIM
2:57
Ol’ Chester A. Arthur enjoying a rustic picnic in the woods beard-having ass bitch

http://www.presidentprofiles.com/Grant-Eisenhower/James-A-Garfield-and-Chester-A-Arthur-A-strong-hand-at-sea-and-overseas.html

——————————

Yes. Good to be blogging again.

[162] I have a blog? What bl— oh, right…

So I’ve been on an extended break from blogging, mostly due to a lack of things to blog about (or so I thought). In reality, so much has been happening in the past month and a half and I never really realized it.

At first, I realized that I’m doomed, as far as my academic major. Journalism is a dying industry. The chances of me getting a job in this day and age that field are little to none. So, I turned to my back-up. For a short time, I was considering taking up the conductor job, no matter when I got the call. But then I realized that making a career with the MTA would require me to stay in New York for at least the next 30 years. Then I got to thinking, “Do I really want to spend the rest of my life in New York?”

No. Sure, the only reason that I came back to NYC from Oneonta over a year ago was because I hated Oneonta so much, but I highly believe that it was the fact that I was living in the middle of nowhere, in a small town with only one bar, one Dunkin Donuts, and no Starbucks, that drove me crazy. So the fact is that I need a big city. Not New York specifically.

So taking the MTA job is now pretty much out of the question. See, I’ve been stuck on the Eastern seaboard my whole life. The farthest north I’ve gone was Boston. The farthest south I’ve gone was D.C. I need to get out. I need to see what life is like on the other side. I can’t be stuck here forever. I’ll probably go insane (and many will argue that I already have).

Hello, West Coast. I’m strongly considering a move to Seattle, but anywhere on the West Coast is fair game. As for how I’m going to make any money? Let’s just hope I get a decent paying job at some sort of newspaper / magazine doing online stuff (since that’s where it’s all going). Or Barnes and Noble.

[161] A true realization

It’s funny, the way you learn little things about yourself. I just realized how much of an alcoholic I’ve become over the past year. There was nothing to drink in my refrigerator except for fruit punch and water, so I opted for the fruit punch. Then I realized: this was the first time I drank fruit punch without vodka or any other kind of alcohol in it in a LONG time. Like… perhaps a year, at least.

My 21st birthday is in a few days. It’s only going to get worse from there.

[160] A little life update

The month started off fantastically. New year, new opportunities, everything was great. But like I told a few friends during this high period (my general pessimism NEVER fades, which is good, because this way, nothing can really surprise me anymore), the shit was about to hit the fan.

Well… the shit had hit the fan. And while the resulting mess wasn’t as terrible as I thought, the mess is still a mess and it requires a bit of cleaning up. Part my fault, part hers (well… 70% her, 30% me).

I’ve gotten out of worse before, with people who were far more worth it, so I don’t think this should be too difficult.

Other than this, everything is peachy.

Song of the day: Elliott Smith – A Distorted Reality Is Now A Necessity To Be Free

[159] SUPERFUN AWESOMETIME “24″ ADVENTURES, 1/12 edition

Every time they mention a “near miss” on the show, I can’t help but think back to those George Carlin videos I posted a while back. Because it’s so fucking true.

“IT’S A NEAR HIT! A COLLISION IS A NEAR MISS!”

*explosion*

“Look… they nearly missed.”

[158] A plan that warrants some consideration

Back in July I made a post about how I’d like to move out and have my own place (or live with a roommate or two) by the end of 2009. Seeing how it’s 2009 already, I think it’s time I begin taking this plan seriously. I’m considering maybe taking out a student loan for this. (I already owe some money for my semester in Oneonta, so what’s another couple thousand for another year?)

I’m going to be 21 in 29 days(!) and I think it’s time I start living my own life. Not that I don’t have one now, I just think it’s time for a change (no Obama ’08)… one that I don’t think can wait until after I graduate school.

Stay tuned.

Song of the day: Superchunk – The First Part